Someone Who Loves You or Someone You Love?

My mom asked me if I had a boyfriend and I outright said, No. Not that I'm not into dating or being with someone but I'm not exactly looking for it either. I think some things are not meant to be chased. This situation is where the "Good things come to those who wait" quote applies. But then this led us to more thought provoking, situation skewing questions. One of them being: Who would you choose, someone who loves you or someone who you love? This is not saying that you don't love the other person or the other person doesn't love you, this means that in one relationship, which is better to have and deal with and stay with forever? Someone you love but he/she loves you more or someone loves you but not as much as you love him. 

My mom told me why she thinks that it is better to have someone who loves you more than you love them. She said: "When that guy loves you more, you won't be a puppy who follows everything he says even if you don't want to do it. He will respect you and cherish you without end and you'll learn to love him just as much. Loving someone who already loves you so much is so much easier to reciprocate. That working hard every single day just to show the other person your worth and still getting half-assed results. It's less likely that you'll get your heart broken and together you can create a family and show them how love moves people to do things at extraordinary measures."

I told my mom that while these were all true, love isn't about convenience. It's about everything else. Hardships,ups and downs, thrills, giddiness,a work-in-progress, and ton of other stuff that can't be put to words. That's why so many people choose to love someone more than the other loves them. They want to work hard and do whatever it takes to make it happen because the fruit of all of those is requited with love from someone they love above and beyond. The journey to getting there is what will make the love story so much more amusing and awesome to share. Of course, there are more risks in this love but some people are worth taking risks for. Sometimes, it won't work out but when it does, it's magical and that's LEGIT. 

I really don't know though, right now I'd rather be the person who loves the other more. When the time comes when I have a serious boyfriend or whatever, I don't know how it'll be but, with my ever active brain stuff, I think I'll be just fine. Mind over heart. 

What is the Line?

Being a Facebook user and seeing different kinds of people post some stuff, you can't help but notice that some people just don't know the difference of standing up for what you believe in and stooping down to your offender's level. Sometimes I feel like people do both but sometimes I feel like "Yeah that was good time to intervene and give the person a piece of your mind". I just can't say the same when people complain about the pettiest, smallest things that can be overlooked or need not be posted on Facebook or any social network for that matter.

I say this because we have to be responsible with the things we post and exercise our freedom of speech properly. I've been thinking about this because some people do not know the effect of the things they post and are just stupid about it. Take one of my Facebook friends who was overcome by emotion because he overheard some lady talking shit about his grandmother so he takes it to the internet and just writes out all his feelings and telling his Facebook friends to share the post with the lady's picture in it and it just turned me off because he did not take it like a man and he was bitching about it for everyone to see. It was annoying, it took all my willpower not to comment on the post asking him to take it down. I didn't though because we're not close and it was really none of my business. 

The other type is just standing up for what you believe in which happened when someone shared about a guy not giving up his seat in the subway when there was a girl standing up. She called the guy out for doing so and saying he was unattractive and ending the post with "CHIVALRY IS DEAD". It was rude and I was so happy to see that people were defending the guy saying that there is still chivalry but there was no need to call out a guy for not giving his seat up for a girl. It's 2015(almost 2016), there's a thing called equality so people should stop being bigots and just accept things wholly, not just the parts that work in their favor. I personally commented on it too but almost all the comments written had the same stuff I wanted to voice out so even if there are some cases when people forget the line but I'm glad more people recognize it. 

This is just my opinion and take on things and I just needed to voice it out so here I am. Have a nice day! and Advance Merry Christmas! 

The Types of Falling Out I've Experienced

I think I repel  the more effeminate guy friends I have because for some reason, they always find something to bicker and complain about. And on two occasions it was about me. 

First Type of Falling Out: The No Turning Back.

This type of falling out happened with my guy friend who was super close to me and one day I wasn't having a good day and I just kept quiet, something he didn't like. He took it as ignoring and he lashed out on me. After that, it was so much easier to pick fights with him and see all his shortcomings(mostly because other people were also mentioning it). He talked to me about it but I was already noncommittal, I did not was to waste the time of day to argue with him or make things blow up if it did not need to. I don't trust him anymore and I guess I kind of stopped talking to him. I'll never see him as a person to confide to and I don't have hard feelings over it anymore. I can be civil but I cannot be the same old person who will let someone lash out on me just because of my nature.

Second Type of Falling Out: The Graver but More Forgivable

This type of falling out happened with a guy friend who I super enjoy the company of and really value my friendship with. But he did something to me that made me bawl out my eyes. He said that I was slutty and I should stop using him to get with his friend. He said he hated me and never wanted to speak to me again. And we didn't talk for a month. It was pure torture and I had times when I really wanted to talk to him or laugh at his jokes but I wanted to keep my promise in not telling anyone about the rift and not talking to him so I kept my mouth shut. After a month,he called me up and told me meet him somewhere and when we met he engulfed me in a hug and really told what he felt and was really sorry about all the stuff he said out of anger, and I didn't even give him a hard time. I forgave him then and there, I forgave him a long time ago. Of course, it's still not super fixed especially because my mom told me to be more careful because it might happen again but we're on our way there and I have no doubts that he is a real friend who I can trust and really be myself with. 

Am I biased? Maybe so. But can you blame me?

These things can't be avoided though. People come and go and we should hold on to the people who we know will make us grow and be with us in the ups and downs of life. I'm still really close to girls though. I have yet to have a male best friend that can be as close to me as my female best friends. Of course, it's really hard and maybe only my husband can fit that criterion.

P.S. Disclaimer: I do not like any of the boy romantically, I just see them as friends and I have a crush on someone who's so much more suited for me (I think hahaha) 

Guy Drama

           Being from an all girl's school entering into a university that is coed, I knew I was bound to get a bit of culture shock. At first everything was okay because all of us were the adjusting so it was fair battle ground but when we're 3 months in, true colors start to show. 

  

             My guy best friend got pissed with me because I was not talking to him. I wasn't talking to him cause I was in a bad mood and I didn't want to pour the all the bad vibes I had on him but he misinterpreted it and lashed out on me. He decided to give me silent treatment. I wasn't that affected because I had other friends from groups but I still said sorry cause I felt I owed it to him because he was just pissed because I was just being silent which isn't my usual demeanor.

              I was having a bad week. I lost my ID and I had to pay just to get in school and go to school. My allowance that week was less because I had 2 consecutive long weekends and I just had to shell out money from my own savings just to be able to get me through the week. Furthermore, I lost my expanding file that had all my Math stuff and my newly bought yellow pad. And I had to go to the mall late at night to get my picture taken and shit. I was one big ball of stress and I knew that if I started talking I'd just break down and I would just flip shit. 

             He didn't seem to get that so that night I felt super bad but I had to overlook that because I had an English presentation to get ready for and shit and I couldn't just bail on that just because I felt bad. I have to separate personal life from the academic life. My guy best friend was giving me shit though on Twitter. He was sending indirects and fuck I felt bad.

           I decided to give him space though. I ate with other people and when they asked why I was eating with them instead of my bestfriend, I told them my story and one of them was about to punch my best friend but I stopped him because it wouldn't do anything to help the situation. Another friend told me that his prediction was coming true because he told me beforehand that my best friend and I were only friends now because we have a group of friends as a clique.

          I was considering it but I had to focus on myself first. I just went on going to class and getting things done but at the end of the day, my best friend called me out and gave me a hug and a tear leaked out of my eye and all was forgiven. If I told my brothers this, they'd be seething but I didn't cause I didn't want it to get any bigger but all's well ends well. 

          I love being coed but damn it's complicated and now I have to consider that men are a bit dense and need to be told straight up what you're trying to do so that they don't lash out.

ANYWAY I'M 18 TODAY! I'M LEGAL. DOESN'T FEEL THAT DIFFERENT THOUGH. I JUST WANT TO GET THROUGH FIRST YEAR IN UNIVERSITY. UGH. I WANT TO BE IN THE DEAN'S LIST. :( 

Dear Irresponsible Promise Breaker...

As you can see, I was not able to do my summer challenge. I wasn't able to fulfill my promise. I really tried though. But summer's over and I am nowhere near finishing the challenge. I don't think I'll be continuing because I actually find it freakin' hard and because of the order the challenge requires, I feel constricted and I feel like I have to use so many filters just to post a blog, but this blog is mostly for my turmoils and if I am not able to voice them out, I lose the words that usually just flow out of my brain. That being said, I'm not continuing the challenge but I promise to post more often cause I don't feel constricted anymore and I have loads of stories now because I'm in Uni and I have met so many new people who are so different from the people who I was with for 11 years. I don't even know if people read my blog anymore but I'll just keep on writing because my number one outlet is still writing and will always be writing. I'm not exemplary at it but IDRC. :D

SC#5. E: Effervescence

I really suck at posting regularly. 

And I realized how fucking hard it is to make alphabetical entries. 

But I'll keep at it.

I need to prove that I can finish something I started.(so that I can prove to myself that if I want to lose my extra weight, I only need determination and consistency.)

So I'm going to do this, even if it takes me till September.

And with that mini rant, I shall begin my new entry.

Effervescence is a term I learned in Chemistry (I think, but I'm pretty sure it was a Science class). I didn't know what it meant at that time but now I love using it. At first, it was just a property of a mixture or something(don't quote me on that) but then I found an article that described a person as effervescent. I thought that it was so weird that someone would use that to define a person but when I thought about it, it's absolutely beautiful. It's one of those words that sound pretty flowery and just magical. Being called effervescent meant being bubbly, enthusiastic, and vivacious. I know no one would call me effervescent cause I'm a Virgo, I'm an Earth sign and it means I'm more of a grounded and mutable person. But I give props to people who can uphold being effervescent. You're up in the sky and you're very light and positive that people just get drawn in and can't help but like you. I'd like to be your friend because maybe effervescence can be contagious and just a little bit of it can go a long way. 

ESPECIALLY NOW BECAUSE I'M ENTERING UNIVERSITY AND NEED TO MAKE FRIENDS ALL OVER AGAIN. I'm WAAAAY too shy for this shit. 

Legitimately praying for an effervescent person to talk to me so that I'll just tag along when he/she makes friends. 

P.S. That makes me sound like a user but I'm not. I'll him/her in other ways and we'll have each other's back.

SC#4. D: Dream House

When I was younger, I had a dream house that was 30 stories high and each story had its own purpose. But as I got older, I soon realized that it is impossible to have a 30-story house with a 2000-sqm floor area per floor.(I'd have a gymnastics floor, game floor, squash floor, kitchen floor, studio, pool, indoor basketball court, etc). I know way too intense. So now than I'm older I have then revised the dream because I know that I need to be freakin' rich to do what my initial dream house was and it'll be freakin' weird and impractical to own a house like that. Now the house I want is still pretty big(cause if I want 4/5 kids, I need space for that) and a bit open because I like natural light. I doesn't have to be pure brick but I don't want just flat walls that have no texture... I also want it to be low maintenance, in a way(I don't want to keep cleaning/retouching the outside of my house).That's all for the exterior, my interior is a little more intricate in my mind. 

(c) Google Images

For the interior, I prefer minimalist cause it's just easier to maintain. But there are some exceptions, of course, because the house needs a little color. 

Living Room: Sectional couch because I like lying down on couches. Not too many walls because that takes up so much space. Bright because I don't enjoy darkness when it's not time to sleep. 

Kitchen: I love kitchen islands. Also a lot of compartments so that all the pots and pans, knives, etc. have their own specific place and it shall stay there. I want a nice kitchen because I actually enjoy my time in the kitchen. I like to cook and bake and eat so I'll probably spend most of my time here so why not make it nice?

Toilet and Bathroom: I'm more of a shower person but when I want to unwind, I'd like to be able to just drop a bath bomb on a tub and soak in it. Toilet is not seen in this photo but it'll be a bit far from the actual bathroom because I like. 

Master's Bedroom: I want a really big bed. I don't care how short I am. I want a big bed because I want to sprawl out and move around a lot and jump. It's a fun place. I wouldn't take my work into the room and minimal gadget time here. Only sleeping and occasional sexy time(this in the future though. I'm still innocent right now)

Closet: It doesn't have to be this big cause I doubt I'll have that much clothes. Or if it is that big, my husband and I are sharing. Closed because more often than not, it's going to be a mess because I can't decide what to wear but I'll try to keep it tidy so that I know where to get what.

 Stairs: Simple and additional storage. I have a little hoarder problem so this might help.

Bay Window: I really like this because it's an instant window seat where I can read my books and get a bit of sun. 

Basement: I would let my husband make it a man cave if he wants but if I could, I'd make it a play room. Table tennis/pool table/foosball table and some video games. 

              

Attic: This is just the chilling place of the people who aren't that outdoorsy. And no, I don't like chandeliers but small ones that aren't that hard to maintain are okay.

               

Deck: I don't really get decks but they look so pretty. The backyard could use a deck.

                                               

Pool: I love swimming and I get hot super easily so I need to have a place to just jump into. Simple shape only and most likely surrounded by grass. 

I know it's a bit farfetched to have a house that pretty. I need to work hard for it and also my husband to become rich enough to pull it off. I hope to have at least one pretty thing in my future house for sure. For now, it'll be my motivation to work hard in my studies so that I can land a good job that pays well and that I enjoy. 

SC#3. C: Closet Excitable Person

A lot of people who know me don't actually know me. I always have my walls up and ready to keep people out so that they don't have the power to break my heart. I'm scared of letting myself show because then I'll be more vulnerable and I'll end up hurt. This is the reason why most people don't know that I'm actually a very excitable person. I love trying new things and I learn things without people noticing. I only show people how good I can be when it's actually needed. Occasionally, I'll slip though. When we were playing a game and it was the last few seconds and we knew we could win, I started jumping up and down, cheering my team mates on, in hopes of making them move faster so we win the game. I was having so much fun cheering them on and being happy that but then I saw people staring at me like I grew another head. So I stopped. I'd rather be quiet and have no one look at me than be loud and have everyone look at me. When I'm your friend, I'll always be rejoicing inside for your victories but on the outside, I'll be silent. I hate having to keep it in but my excitement is too intense for people who know me to see. They'll think of me differently.

SC#2. B: Being a Burden to People

I hate being a burden to people. I like to do things myself because that way, I don't bother anyone, even if that means that I'll have to do things the hard way. I suffer of course, but at least I don't have to worry about owing anyone a favor. I know not all people will think that way, there are actually some nice people but most of the people I know will count all the things they've done for me and will enumerate them when the want help so they blackmail me into it. And I don't like that so I go out of my way to do things on my own and only ask for help when absolutely necessary. I must like well enough if I am able to ask you to do something for me or I'm just pretty dang desperate to get things done. I know I won't be able to keep this up because it's tiring and it's not living the right way. We need people in our lives to help us get through things. People who love me will not see me as a burden but a person who just needs a little help, a little push to be able to do the right thing and the best thing. 

SC #1. A: A Temperament Test

My friend found this book in the school library that was entitled Personality Plus(don't quote me on that) and it said that knowing your personality/temperament will help you deal with things so much easier than if you don't know what your temperament is. And there are 4 types of temperaments: SANGUINE, MELANCHOLIC, PHLEGMATIC, and CHOLERIC. Of course, no person is perfectly in just one temperament so I had to take a test that went like this: there are 4 word in a row and you have to choose which word adequately describes you the most and you write it down(there were descriptions at the back to help in making the correct choice in picking the word). You go through 40 numbers and after you tally the choices you make because each of those 4 words correspond to a temperament. You have to get the two top temperaments that you get and that's what you are(temperament wise). The result of my test was phlegmatic-melancholic which is a natural blend. Phlegmatic people are usually casual, laid-back, mediator, silent workers, a bit lazy, avoids conflict, etc. Melancholic people are analytical, detail oriented, perfectionists, easily depressed, etc. I think it was pretty accurate and it was far from the other 2 temperaments. My top was phlegmatic then melancholic then sanguine and lastly, choleric. I already knew from the start that I was not going to be choleric because people with choleric temperament are defined as a leaders, people who want to get their way, like to push people, and spearhead things and I do not see myself like that at all.I also saw why I was not a sanguine person in the test because sanguine people are bubbly, spontaneous,and like to be the life of the party and being around people, and can't keep still on doing just one task. While I am trying to become more outgoing and bubbly, I know that it is something that I have to work on and psych myself to before I actually go and do it. I'm just naturally phlegmatic and melancholic. And I accept that and now I know where I excel and where I need to work on so that I can be more flexible as I get older and time calls for it.

P.S. That's for temperament. For personality type I think I'm INTP or ISTP. They're both pretty rare especially for women but that's just me.

Summer Challenge

Other than getting thinner in the summer, I will be challenging myself to write more. I've been so busy and now that I have some time on my hands, I think I should use it wisely and write/type up things so that my creative juice don't go to waste, after all I'll have more time to do it because I'll have a new and improved laptop soon. But there's a catch in the next post to come, they have to be in alphabetical order and I cannot post something that isn't the following letter. I'm pretty sure I'll have fun thinking up of titles for the hard letters because I like challenges and I think I'll be proud of myself if I am able to be witty with my titles. Moreover, I think that this will be hard to follow but this will help the melancholic side of me show instead of just being a phlegmatic girl who likes to just do whatever. 

P.S. It's prom tomorrow night and I'll be wearing a red dress, I'm kind of excited and kind of not. I can't decide. I'll try to post a pic of the dress if ever. xx

The Unrecognized Blessing of Having a Complete Family

My cousin told me a secret. She told me that one of the reasons she had recognized why she has never had a boyfriend was that she grew up without a mom. Her mom left her when she was just 3 to go to the US to work, and had only visited her once or twice after. Of course she has other substitutes like my many aunts who didn't get married and still lived in the family home, but it's just isn't the same. She's 26 now and she has never had a boyfriend because her heart is fragile. She's afraid to commit because she doesn't want to experience the heartbreak and being left because the one person who was supposed to love her unconditionally and never leave her, left. That's absolutely heartbreaking. Thing is, she still loves her mom even if she left her. She can't help it. All kids have that innate love for their parents, even if they are sad excuses for parents. My cousin can attest to that. But this saddens her. And I can't relate because I have a complete family and feel all the love I need and more. I never saw it in that way before. I never realized how lucky I was that I have a complete family. She made me realize the impact of family to our own lives even when we're adults already. She said now that she has recognized this fact, she's trying to get past it so she can love herself and let other people love her. Her first boyfriend might as well be her last because her heart might not be able to take another heartbreak but that  first and last love will be true,whole, and beautiful.

P.S Sorry if this made no sense. I had a tight bun on my head. It might have cut the blood and oxygen circulation in my brain. hehe whatever. I just had to share this little tidbit of knowledge that my cousin gave me. She's awesome. I love her and even if she never gets married or anything, she'll still be my number one loved cousin. :)

A Letter to My Future Husabnd

This was inspired by a British Youtuber's video about his letter to his future wife. His name is Will Darbyshire and I absolutely adore his craft because it's not the typical Youtuber content. They're thought about and that's just amazing.

Hello I'm Toni.
                         And you're going to marry someday. I don't know if I know you already or not but let's just go with it for now. I don't have a lot of expectations because I'm young and quite frankly inexperienced in life and love. I have absolutely no clue as of now. But I hope and think that you'll have a passion and love for something and talk about it animatedly, so much so that I see it in your perspective. I think you'll be intelligent because you know, I want smart kids and deep conversations. And I think you'll regard everyone with respect and dignity so that people also have the same respect for you. You don't have to be rich, just not lazy because that doesn't roll well with me.

                      You'll have these unique humor and idiosyncrasies about yourself like fiddling with something in your hands when you're nervous or dancing to whatever band you like and not having a care about what other people think because you're having the time of your life, all these things will make you, YOU. 

                    I hope that your family likes me (especially your mom cause she's the most important woman of your life) even if I'm not your usual type and I don't always understand their ways. If we really want to be together and if it's meant to be, it'll work out anyway right? 

                   Don't worry my dad doesn't have a gun and he's a real softie. Just don't hurt me, that'll unleash some things you don't really want to know. My brothers are quite protective but once you win them over, they'll probably have tons of embarrassing stories about me to tell you so that you can make me blush and stuff. My mommy's my queen, treat her like you treat your mother and she'll treat you like her own child. She's quite like me but maybe not as fussy and way prettier(or so she says) but other than that you got it pretty easy.

               It's weird that you actually exist and might actually read this from wherever you are. I wouldn't know right now. You could be anyone actually and rocking what you do best while I do my own thing too. 

              Stay safe. Take care of yourself. And try to wait for me and stuff because you know I might shy away sometimes and build walls but I'll open up. Keep an eye out for me and I'll see you when I see you. Future husband, just remember, I'll love you to the moon and back and maybe even more so don't think you're worthless or that no one loves you because I object! 
                                                                               Love,
                                                                                     Your Future Wife

P.S. Please be funnier than I am because I'm almost always just accidentally funny. Also, please be active because then I'll want to keep up and not be a lazy bum. I hope you're into short girls cause I don't think I'll grow a whole lot from 5'2. Sorry(in advance) if I can't do stuff properly because I'm left handed. I promise I'll do my best and see you in the future, my love.